It can be incredibly difficult to make friends in adulthood. It's common for adults to have a hard time forming new friendships after leaving behind the built in social supports typical of high school and college. Once entering adulthood, people relocate, get busy with jobs, need to prioritize personal responsibilities, and some are juggling the needs of their young families during this stage of life.
If you're feeling lonely, you're not alone. In early 2023, 17% of U.S. adults reported feelings of loneliness. Of those adults, 24% were young adults. Chances are, many of your peers find themselves disappointed with their lack of social connections and longing to form friendships with depth and meaning too. This article invites you to consider five practices to make friends as an adult.
Courage.
It takes courage to admit that you're feeling lonely and that you want...that you need these connections with others. And courage is exactly a piece of what you need when you're acknowledging the vulnerability of feeling alone and in need of something outside of yourself - other people willing to put themselves out there and connect with you too.
Whether you've had more positive or more negative experiences in the past in forming friendships, it's scary for most people to step outside of what they know, into a new space with new people, and hope for something positive in return. Almost all of us can relate on some level to what it feels like to show up to a new school, a new town, a new team, a new job, and feel the creeping insecurities of trying to connect with others face to face for the first time. There are just some aspects of forming new friendships that may feel awkward for a while.
Self-Compassion.
There's the not knowing if you should strike up conversation with the stranger in line next to you. And if you do strike up that conversation, how do you gauge if you should try to take things further, like ask to exchange phone numbers or agree to find each other on social media? You don't know if they'll find your actions intrusive, or be flattered and relieved to have the outlook of a potential new friend. And the painful truth of this is that you don't know - not until you take the risk and find out. You might crash and burn, your words might come out differently than you'd intended, you might feel that rush of blush to your cheeks that you'd hoped had disappeared after middle school - but didn't (damn it).
It's hard and it's uncomfortable and much like other uncomfortable aspects of life, you have to find a way to walk through it. You have to find a way to hear those insecure thoughts taking flight in your mind, and respond with self-compassion and acceptance. You have to find a way to hold space for all those uncomfortable feelings rushing through your body, and show up for yourself with gentleness and understanding. You have to learn to be your own friend even as you're putting yourself out there with others, holding on to the belief that you deserve good friends and will find them.
And it's true. You deserve good friends. And you will find them.
If you want to form the kind of friendships that consist of others showing up for you with love, kindness, and compassion - you have to practice ways to show up for yourself in all of those ways too.
New Experiences.
If you want to build new friendships, take yourself to new places. Make a list of things you've been meaning to try and actually go try them. Take a rock climbing class, or sign up for a Saturday morning group kayaking meet up. Go find out what all the rage is about pickleball or join a running group or a hiking group. Take an art class, a pottery class, a cooking class, try a new gym, go do some yoga. Call the number on that unexpected flier for a local writer's group and go see if you enjoy it. Volunteer at any endless number of non-profits in your area or help out at the next local event in your town.
Your local parks and local libraries likely have lists of a wide range of free activities or events you can check out. Join a soccer league or help out at your local political party headquarters. Try out a new restaurant or cafe and practice putting yourself out there by being friendly with the staff. Go do stuff by yourself and enjoy your own company. Eventually, you'll probably have the opportunity to try to make a connection with others - and sometimes it just might stick and lead to something more.
Time.
Do you know why so many adults found it "easier" to make friendships when they were in high school and college? Because of time. There's no other time in your life where you have that much time dedicated to the same location, focus, and shared experience without the constraints and responsibilities typical of adulthood. It takes a considerable amount of time to form friendships. In an article for The Atlantic, Katharine Smyth talks about the difficulties of forming friendships in adulthood and explains, "The average American spends just 41 minutes a day socializing, but Jeffrey A. Hall, a communication-studies professor at the University of Kansas, estimates that it typically takes more than 200 hours, ideally over six weeks, for a stranger to grow into a close friend." Most adults don't have that kind of time to invest in six weeks.
So if you're finding that these new friendships you're trying to form aren't creating the feelings of closeness you experienced in friendships of your younger years, just remember, it takes time to build those deep connections. Keep putting in the time and trust that you will one day wake up and notice that the distant connection you felt a year ago, two years ago, has grown into a connection with a friend you could count on today in a way you couldn't when you first met.
Vulnerability.
If you want to form friendships with depth and genuine connection, then you have to run with that courage we talked about earlier and dive into vulnerability. If you want your friendships to be authentic and real - you have to be authentic and real with others. This is a scary risk to take, but you might find the chance of reward is worth it. If the idea of being vulnerable with others and showing up as you are sounds downright terrifying or unbearable to you, take heart. Time is on your side when choosing to be vulnerable in your friendships. While it is true that choosing to be vulnerable with others can lead to depth and meaning in your relationships, it's also true that not everyone deserves your vulnerability. You have to build trust with others to be vulnerable with them in a way that is good for you and good for them. And it takes time to build trust.
When you went to the pool for the first time as a young child, chances are you didn't walk right over to the highest diving board and barrel into the air, plummeting into the deep end. First you had your water wings or floaties to help you practice getting comfortable in the water while also staying safe. Then over time, as you got older, you started taking swim lessons and you learned new skills to help you stay safe in the water. You learned the rules of the pool, how to get in and out of the water in a way that keeps you and others safe. You learned the boundaries of safe behavior in the pool. Then you courageously jumped into the pool from the deck for the first time and made that big splash!
You built trust with yourself as you kept adding more swimming skills and taking new risks. You rode the slide into the water. You tried the low dive. And finally you felt ready to climb those towering steps higher and higher. You made it to the top and maybe you felt scared, but excited too. And you walked across the board to the very edge. As you stood there and looked down to the water below, you reminded yourself, you've been learning ways to play in the water in a safe way for a long time. You've built trust with yourself each milestone at the pool and now you're ready to jump into the deep end. And it's scary and it's exciting - it's a thrill! And you feel safe, and you are safe, because you put in the time to build those skills, to build that trust, and no matter how deep it feels when you go under water, you trust that you will come back up again.
When you learn to listen to yourself, to trust yourself, to show up for yourself, you will learn to embrace vulnerability in a way that is good for you. When you take the time that is needed to build trust with others, you will know when and how to be vulnerable with them in a way that is good for you and good for them and leads to deeper trust and connection.
You may feel lonely right now and you may have no idea where you're going to find your new friends in adulthood, but you're not alone and other people want what you want too. There's a good chance that when you embrace these five practices you will find a friend or two. It's true - you deserve good friends - and you will find them.
Resources
DeAngelis, T. (2023). Young adults are still lonely, but rates of loneliness are dropping overall. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/07/young-adults-lonely-pandemic
Smyth, K. (2022). Why making friends in midlife is so hard. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/01/how-to-make-new-friends-midlife/621231/
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